


On Top of the World

by LiveThroughThePages



Category: Ookiku Furikabutte | Big Windup!
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Forgiveness, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internal Conflict, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Religion, Self-Acceptance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-16
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2019-06-11 14:03:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15317058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiveThroughThePages/pseuds/LiveThroughThePages
Summary: Sometimes help takes form in the most unlikely places and people.TajiHana Week Day 6 Prompt: Forgiveness - noun. the action or process of forgiving or being forgiven.





	On Top of the World

**Author's Note:**

> I want to note that I apologize for any inconsistencies or inaccuracies in regard to the way prayer/visitations at shrines work. I looked up information but the internet as we all know can be incorrect, which is why I tried to keep it brief and not go into detail. Just a heads up

“You should go talk to someone.”

That’s what one of his sisters had said when Hanai spoke with her about his worries, doubts, and fears. “It’s not healthy and it’s not fair to either of you.” He had agreed with her and she told him she’d help him find someone, but no matter the person, he had found an excuse as to why they weren’t right. “I can’t help you if you’re not willing to try.”

He wants to try but opening himself up to a stranger to be judged scares him and talking with someone he knows personally is just as bad if not worse. He doesn’t want his family or friends to know this side of him. It had taken a lot for him to finally say something to his sister, but he knows she’s right. 

_I have an idea._ He reads her message early in the morning but doesn’t respond. He holds the phone against his chest as he stares at the ceiling. It feels unnaturally heavy with the weight of her words. It buzzes again in his hand. _But you might not like it._

The mattress beneath him moves, a body presses against his side, and an arm wraps itself around his waist. He watches Tajima snuggle closer with a content look on his face. It’s a stark contrast to the turmoil ensuing within him. Hanai loves him. He does but he can’t help feeling it’s wrong to do so. It’s that fear that keeps him from saying those three words and he wonders how long until Tajima finally tires from waiting. 

Hanai realizes he doesn’t want to lose him. So he responds because there’s a small voice telling him he can’t keep running. ( _He’ll leave you. He can’t wait forever._ ) He wants to be free of the doubts that hold him down, suffocating him. 

She answers and he rereads the message multiple times. His eyes close as he thinks it over. She was right when she said he probably wouldn’t like it. He doesn’t but he’s willing to try now.

* * *

Hanai’s hands pick at the straps of his bag as he stares up at the gate. The archway is beautiful - inviting - but he feels almost wrong being there. Religion has never been a big part of his life. His family had small shrines but he was never one to pray to someone. He always credited his successes to hard work and dedication. He still does, which is why it’s taking him so long to walk through this open space. 

He reminds himself why he’s there, takes a breath, and steps forward. He walks through and feels the tension leave his body as though he had been expecting something horrible to happen (like a bolt of lightning which judging from the clear blue sky was an absurd thought). He takes the stairs slowly, one step at a time. 

Not many people are around. Most people he comes across on his way up to the shrine are leaving since the daily service had already ended. He’s grateful his sister took into account his worries and sent him someplace farther than normal and during a time when most are simply tourists. 

He arrives at the top. The buildings constructed are beautiful and he feels the peace soak into his skin. The air itself feels lighter as he goes about washing his hands and pays his respects to the gods honored there. A part of him is guilty at not knowing their names or what they protect. 

The scenery there is beautiful. Trees grow tall, casting their shadows across the grounds. Flowers and bushes add more color to the already decorated buildings. Hanai takes his time walking around. He takes in the sights and admires the intricate carvings of dragons above the doorways. He counts four maybe five but it’s difficult to tell with how they weave in and out of each other. 

It’s a distraction. He’s avoiding the reason he came in the first place. His sister wanted him to meditate here in the peace and find himself but he’s too nervous to stand still let alone sit and think. They had both thought being close with nature would help him clear his own mind, but Hanai knew from the beginning that was pointless. If he could fix himself, he would have done it by now. 

He turns another corner and and notices a young girl watching him. She’s dressed in a way that tells Hanai she works at the shrine. She’s probably late middle school or high school age (he has a hard time telling the difference in age now that he’s older), but what bothers him the most is how she seems to see right through him. 

Without giving her time, he turns and walks back where he came. There are other areas of the shrine that were waiting for him to explore. He comes across a small pond just inside the treeline where benches are set up around the water. It’s beautiful and for the first time that day, Hanai feels calm enough to sit. 

Staring into the water, he watches the little ripples on the surface. The fish beneath move quickly, only coming into sight long enough for him to glimpse colors and their general forms. He sees orange and white and makes the assumption that it’s a koi pond, but he might be completely wrong. He likes it here though. It feels separate from the world.

Quiet steps reach his ears but he remains gazing into the water. The person stops beside him and sits on the opposite side of the bench - not too far but not too close - but for Hanai it was too close for comfort. “You seem troubled.” It’s the voice of a young girl and with a glance Hanai recognizes the girl from before. She’s looking through him again so he looks back at the water.

“Why would you say that?” He asks. He doesn’t want to talk at the moment but he believes it would be rude to ignore the girl and he can’t find himself to do so on this sacred ground.

It’s quiet for a moment. “Most people come here for the morning service,” she says. There’s a slight rustle and food is thrown into the pond. Hanai watches as the fish race to the surface to feed and he sees that they are truly koi fish like he believed. “Others are usually here to take pictures.” She’s talking about tourists, Hanai believes. “I don’t think you are either of those.”

“I guess you’re right.” The koi finally finish eating and disappear beneath the dark surface. The water eventually calms once more and peace and quiet return. He wonders if he should talk more, but he waits for her to continue. It feels odd waiting for a child to lead the conversation.

“Sometimes people come here to find peace.” Hanai looks at her. She’s younger now that he really sees her. She’s leaning back against the bench and smiling up at the trees. For someone so young, she seems wise beyond her years. Perhaps that’s what happens when you work in a serene place like this. Maybe it’s foolish to listen to a child, but he does anyway. She turns her gaze on him and he sees a bright light behind them that reminds him so much of Tajima. “I think if you find yourself, you’ll find your answer.”

Hanai blinks at her words. “My answer?” 

She smiles and Hanai swears he can feel the warmth coming from it. “To your question.” _My question?_ He doesn’t say the words aloud and waits for her to continue. Her finger points to his chest. “The conflict you feel.” His face must have given away his thoughts. “You’re not the first person to have that look in your eyes.”

“And what do you suggest?” He asks with a smile pulling at his lips. He finds he quite likes talking to this girl. She’s bright and kind.

Her initial response is a shrug, and Hanai can see her mind turning over the best answer. “I have learned that sometimes the answers are obvious but we need to look around us to see it.” Her eyes roam the area and he follows. 

Again, he notices how beautiful the shrine’s land is but the answers she speaks of are blind to him. Hanai turns to her and sees how she takes in the surroundings with open eyes. He has the feeling that if she continues on this path, she will help many people. “And if I don’t?”

Another shrug but her smile never falters, almost as if she expected the response. “Maybe you need a little more guidance.” He waits for her to continue. She leans forward to gaze into the pond despite not being able to see the fish within. “I’ve found I focus best on top of the world where you seem small even to the youngest tree.”

Hanai is amazed at her wording. “For a kid,” he begins, “you’re very good at speaking.” Her words are just like riddles. There’s a sense of mystery and wonder to them many adults would have difficulty copying. She makes everything seem spectacular. 

The girl throws her head back and laughs. The grin she shares makes his shoulders relax. “Thank you!” She finally sounds her age. “I’ve been practicing.” 

He imagines her copying the priests that work at the shrine, and he smiles even if he doesn’t understand the words. “And for those who aren’t so good with words?”

She points somewhere in the distance but Hanai knows it’s towards the mountain range. “Go for a hike,” she says. “There’s a trail that leads up the mountain and near the top is a shrine. I think you’ll find what you’re looking for.”

“A hike…” He wonders if something so simple could really help him. He’s tried much on his own, which is why he turned to his sister. _If it doesn’t work_ , he tells himself, _I’ll go talk with someone._ Perhaps that’s what his sister wants from all of this.

“Yes,” she says, “and while you go… listen and see the world around you. Focus on how your body and mind feel. The destination is only half the answer. The journey you take is important as well.”

Part of him wants to ask her if she really understands the words she’s saying but he doesn’t. He can see in her eyes that she knows because like Tajima, her eyes portray all her emotions. Nodding to himself, Hanai stands. He turns to her and bows low. “Thank you,” he says and her face brightens. “I think I’ll go then.”

“If you leave now, you’ll have plenty of time.” He smiles and turns to leave. “Good luck!” She calls to him as he leaves the little area.

* * *

The hike would have been much easier (he believes) if he was wearing better attire but it wasn’t entirely bad. Like the young girl said, the journey was part of the answer. It was difficult but all his years playing sports had kept him in shape and despite not wearing the proper shoes (he was wearing converse), his hike was pleasantly beautiful.

He stops multiple times on the way up. His t-shirt and shorts bunch and stick to him uncomfortably, so he does his best to ignore them. This last stop is near the top and now he is beginning to see more than just fields of grass or trees. He can make out distance landmarks in the breaks of the treeline and he imagines that the sight at the top is something magical.

He takes a quick sip from his water, fixes his bag on his shoulder, and continues his hike, doing exactly as the girl told him. He’s not even questioning if he should have listened to her in the first place because this feels like the perfect idea now that he’s on his way.

The hike is strenuous. His body aches but at the same time it helps his mind relax. His muscles are no longer tense with stress as they loosen with the climb. His thoughts quiet as he looks at the greenery and listens to the birds and animals in the distance. He feels more at peace than he had in a long, long time.

But as he reaches the top, he doesn’t think he’s found what he’s looking for. He finds his way to a smaller shrine. He sits on a bench and just gazes out. The sight overlooks the surrounding area. He can see towns and a city in the distance. The cars look so small as they move along winding roads. He understands the girl’s words now. Up here, he feels small and his problems don’t seem as big when he looks at the world below. It doesn’t stop him from worrying though.

He doesn’t think his question was answered and Hanai hangs his head in defeat. Disappointment settles in his chest and the doubt and fear begin to bloom again. This was his last chance to fix himself, and how he’ll have to talk to his sister again.

“Wow! You made it up here faster than I thought!” Hanai startles and his head snaps up to find the girl falling onto the bench beside him. “There’s a cable car and I had to sweep up here,” she says to answer his confused look. “Did you find your answer?” She asks without letting him think about her sudden appearance.

The wind is cool against his skin as he thinks. “I don’t know.” He decides to be honest. He’s already come this far. 

“Well,” she leans back and thinks, “were you actually asking a question?” Hanai frowns at her. Wasn’t that the whole point of this trip? “What were you really hoping to find?”

She looks at him with those piercing eyes and again he’s reminded of Tajima. There’s a sudden surge of warmth tinged with guilt that threatens to drown him. “Forgiveness…” The word falls from his lips in a whisper that’s almost carried away by the wind, but the girl’s frown tells Hanai that she heard.

She hums in thought. “Your troubles run deeper than I thought.” He finds himself nodding to her words. “What do you wish to be forgiven for?” She asks with a soft voice like she’s not sure she should be questioning him.

Hanai didn’t know how to answer without exposing himself too much. He glances at the girl beside him. She’s looking at him with genuine concern and he knows she’s just trying to help. The thing is… he’s not religious but he can’t stop himself from feeling as though he’s doing something wrong in that sense. It’s hurting him and eventually he knows he’s going to drag Tajima down with him, and the last thing Hanai wants is to see the light in Tajima’s eyes diminish.

He looks back out at the world and feels the wind. “For… for falling in love…” It sounds ridiculous hearing the words aloud, but he realizes that there's a truth in it. There’s been so much negativity that despite his love for Tajima, he can’t shake the fear. He can't overcome this wall himself.

It’s silent and he can feel the girl watching him. “And what was your question?” Her voice drops even lower and Hanai has to strain to hear it all.

“Is there something wrong with me?” He looks up at the sky. His eyes begin to burn with tears as he looks at the clouds moving slowly. Their white color tainted orange in the afternoon light. He feels broken now. He closes his eyes and takes a slow breath in an attempt to calm himself.

“Tell me about this person.” Hanai notices that she’s offering him the option to keep Tajima’s gender a secret. He appreciates it, and he contemplates doing so. But he tells himself it wouldn't be right. It would just continue the negativity that he's trying to erase. So he tells himself it's all or nothing.

He laughs first because where does he begin? “He’s amazing,” he says, a smile pulling at his lips. “He’s passionate about the things he loves. He always pushes me to be better than I am like he can see something in me that I can’t. He has the brightest eyes and when he smiles, he smiles with his whole face. He’s impulsive but thoughtful, always looking out for the people he cares about. He’s loud and a little obnoxious sometimes because he’s good at everything and it’s a little frustrating. But he always seems to make up for it somehow with the little things he does…” Like making him coffee in the morning or stopping by the office to surprise him with lunch… 

But he keeps those to himself because he’s aware that he’s rambling. A sniffle from beside him confuses him. The girl is staring at him with watery eyes. “Sorry,” she mumbles and wipes at her eyes. She takes a breath and smiles. “You look lighter,” she says.

“I… what?” He asks even more confused.

“Lighter,” she repeats without further explanation. “How do you feel?”

_Lighter_ , is what he finds himself wanting to say. He feels nothing but warmth in his chest. There’s nothing pulling him down. No doubts or fears. The negativity he had been feeling for months felt insignificant with the words he said aloud. “Better,” is what he decides to say. Because he does feel better. Better, lighter, happier… right. He feels right. He feels like things will be okay now for some reason.

“I know I’m just a kid,” she says. Her eyes still glisten but she no longer looks or sounds on the verge of tears. “And I know what I say doesn’t mean much. I’m not a priest or anything like that. I just help out at the shrine. But I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you. You love him. Even I can tell how much you love him and I can feel it when you talk about him. It’s love and who cares about what others think!” Her voices raises slightly at the end. It sounds passionate, he believes.

_I do_ , Hanai thinks but he keeps the words to himself. Curious to know where the girl is going with this.

“I hope one day I find a love like that.” She looks up to the sky with longing. “Anyone would hope to find something like that. You should tell him how you feel more often." She doesn't know how true that statement is. "It might help you keep those weights off your shoulders.”

She grins at him and Hanai returns the smile as best he could. “Thanks,” he says. “I think I’ll try that.” His words seem to brighten her eyes. “You remind me a lot of him.” His eyes widen slightly at the words that he hadn’t meant to say aloud.

“I’ll take that as a compliment.” She stands and stretches. She turns and stares through him again. “Have you found your answer?”

_Maybe._ “Yeah, I think I have,” he says instead and the girl’s smile is worth it. Hanai stands as well. His body aches from the trek up. “You’re not going to make me climb all the way down the mountain, are you?”

She laughs and points to another entrance. “I think you’ve learned your lesson. The cable car should be okay this time.” He laughs as well and follows her to the exit. The ride is smooth and much quicker than the climbing and his limbs are grateful for the rest. He knows he’s going to be sore the next day.

They reach the shrine at the mountain’s base. There are lights illuminating the darkening area. The shadowed trees have a majestic and mysterious feel to them. He finds himself less burdened than he had at the beginning of his trip and he reminds himself to thank his sister for the idea.

“Good luck.” The girl offers as they say goodbye at the shrine’s gateway (which seems much more inviting this time). He thanks her for her help, even going as far as to say he thinks she’d make a great priestess one day if that's what she wants to do, and she hugs him tightly. Hanai offers an awkward pat on the head. “Bring him next time.” She says as she takes an embarrassed step back. “You’ll always be welcomed here.”

Hanai says he will even if he isn’t sure of a possible return. But he believes her words that he’s welcome to go back. It makes him feel accepted and he wishes he could properly thank the young girl, and as he travels back to his home - back to Tajima - he wonders if she knows just how much he helped her.

He never thought a stranger’s acceptance would have such an impact on him. But it did.

He opens his door and toes off his shoes. His feet ache but it’s not an unwelcomed feel. It reminds him that the day was real and it had all happened. “Welcome back!” He’s met with Tajima’s bright and happy grin. “I saved you some dinner. How was your trip?”

Overcome with emotion, Hanai pulls Tajima into a quick kiss. “I love you,” he finally says the words he's always wanted to and Tajima grins brightly. He kisses him again and again, whispering all the words he knows he doesn’t say enough or ever.

With each syllable, each word, each sentence, he feels lighter like he’s floating. Like he’s back on top of the world where it’s just him and his love for Tajima. Where no one else’s words mean anything. Where the negativity can’t touch him. Where they’re everything and nothing at the same time. Where the only acceptance he requires is from himself and Tajima.

Hanai pulls away and Tajima looks surprised. Hanai knows it’s because he’s not usually so vocal with his thoughts and feelings like he should be but that’s all going to change now. “So it went well?” He asks with a slight laugh.

He nods, tucking his head into the crook of Tajima’s neck. The smell of his soap calms Hanai even further. There’s so much he wants to say to Tajima. He wants to apologize for being distant, for being less than what he can be, for being his own worst enemy, for not being more open… “There’s a place I want to take you,” he says making the decision there and then to return to the shrine. He lifts his head to see Tajima’s curious and bright eyes. “And someone I think you’ll really get along with.” And it's then that Hanai realizes that he doesn't even know the girl's name.

Tajima simply grins as bright as ever. “Sounds like fun!”

**Author's Note:**

> So this was a little more personal for me. I've been working through things and figured I would kinda write about it since one of the prompts was forgiveness. Self-acceptance is a long process but sometimes the words of a stranger can be more healing than the words of friends/family.
> 
> Also, I originally didn't have Hanai opening up to a younger person because younger generations seem to be more accepting than older generations. But then I thought that maybe he needs to see that with the younger acceptance there's a change on the horizon for greater opportunities. I don't know!


End file.
